So Funny, You may just Pee your pants!

Super Bowl Tickets

2012-01-10T17:32:00.000-07:00

A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the

Super Bowl. As she sat down, a man

came

along and asked her if anyone is sitting in

the seat next to her.

"No," she said, "the

seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in

their right mind would

have a seat like

this for the Super Bowl, the biggest

sporting event in the world, and

not use it?"

Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat

actually belongs to me. I

was supposed

to come here with my husband, but he passed

away. This is the first

Super Bowl we have

not been to together since we got married in

1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible.

But couldn't you find

someone else - a friend

or relative or even a neighbor to take the

seat?" The woman shakes her

head, "No,

they're all at the funeral."

What is a bucket seat?

2011-11-08T15:44:00.001-07:00

Now you know!

How the Internet changed my life

2011-10-11T15:58:00.002-06:00

The President goes Banking

2011-09-23T16:57:00.000-06:00

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of Am...Erica!!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check"

Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, my mind is a total blank ~~~ there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

The Eagle is gone

2011-09-21T16:50:00.000-06:00

The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol

of the American Presidency.

It is half black, half white, and everything it does stinks!

The Dead Mule and the Government

2011-09-19T16:31:00.000-06:00

Earl and Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News newspaper in Starkville, Mississippi, and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Earl and Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Leroy said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Earl said, "We shor can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Earl and Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said,"Gol dern, didn't anyone complain?"

Earl said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Earl and Leroy now work for the gub'ment.

They're overseein' the Debt Ceiling Program.

There should be a new rule: Limit all U.S. politicians to two terms:

One in office

One in prison.

Illinois already does this.

Splinters in her private area

2011-09-17T16:08:00.001-06:00

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her,

"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down!"

Children are Quick

2011-09-15T15:44:00.000-06:00

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Because Class started before I got here.

--------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I '
MILLIE: I is.
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

The Longest Password Ever

2011-09-13T15:37:00.004-06:00

During a recent password audit by Google,
it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:
"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital."

> Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

2011-07-28T19:24:00.001-06:00

> Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
> which said:
>
> Two Prostitutes - $50.00.
>
>
> A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either
> have to remove the sign or go to jail.
>
> Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
>
>
> 'JESUS SAVES.'
>
> One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'
>
> 'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign
> pertains to religion.'
>
> The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers
> driving around with a large sign on their car.
>
> He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:
>
> Two Fallen Angels
> Seeking Peter --$50

Tarzan

2011-07-19T16:50:00.004-06:00

I was at the

store yesterday, and I ran into Tarzan!

I asked him how it was
going and if he was into
making any more movies.

He told me

that he could no longer make any more
movies as he had severe
arthritis in both shoulders
and could no longer swing

from vine to tree.

I asked how Jane was doing, he told me she

was in bad shape, in a nursing home,

has Alzheimer's
and no longer recognizes anyone. How sad.

I asked

about Boy,

and he told me that Boy had gone to the big city,
got hooked up with bad women, drugs, alcohol,
and the only times he heard from him was when
he was in trouble or needed something.

I asked about Cheetah,

he beamed and said she was doing very well.

She married a lawyer, had some plastic surgery,

and now lives in the White House!!!

The BAD ECONOMY hits everybody.....here's proof:The BAD ECONOMY hits everybody.....here's proof:

2011-06-12T23:24:00.004-06:00

I got a pre-declined credit card application in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America ..

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.

Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a Call Center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

The Dog and the Panther

2011-06-07T16:14:00.001-06:00

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep DODO now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Deport her to America

2011-06-01T21:37:00.000-06:00

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when

two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the

unsuspecting ex-cons down... And shot off their testicles.

"The old lady spent a week hunting those men down and,

when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special

way," said Melbourne police

investigator Evan Delp.

Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the

gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:

"Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God."

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost

both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava

opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former

prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom

come, but doctors managed to save his

mangled penis, police said. "The one

guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said

he won't be using it the way he used to," Detective Delp told

reporters. "Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think

they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through."

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her

granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two

knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row.

"When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in

the hospital, I decided I was

going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law

would go easy on them,"' recalled the retired library worker.

" And I wasn't scared of them, either - because I've got

me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I

wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning

one."

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and

Debbie's description of the sickos, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days

prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she

spotted the ill-fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

"I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a

picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as

hell, it was them," the oldster recalled...

"So I went back to that hotel and found their room and

knocked on the door, and the minute the

big one opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs,

right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went in and

shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him.

Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in."

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to

deal with the vigilante granny. "What she did was wrong, and she

broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in

prison," Det. Delp said, "especially when 3 million people in

the city want to nominate her for Mayor."

DEPORT HER TO AMERICA - WE NEED HER!

I like it in the Rear?

2011-05-29T23:19:00.001-06:00

Who wouldn't like it in the rear?

I was talking about the charging pin hole you sicko!

Giraffe licking the wall at the zoo

2011-05-28T23:55:00.001-06:00

Nasty!

Pistol Shooting Tips from a 5 year old

2011-05-27T15:14:00.001-06:00

I think he needs to bend his knee's a little more and he'll have it!

He's a pistol shooting champ in the making!

Don't Trust Post Office Workers!

2011-05-26T17:09:00.001-06:00

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn
to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars..

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

New Halloween Costume for this year

2011-05-25T17:03:00.000-06:00

The Charlie Sheen Costume

Amish Elevator

2011-05-24T16:54:00.003-06:00

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number� and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

2011-05-24T15:56:00.000-06:00

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just Inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several Dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he Thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
One for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the

Fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all..

Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him

How to Mess Up a Job Interview

2011-05-18T16:53:00.002-06:00

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And,

we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not

to do.

Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't

belch.

If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify

ourselves instantly.

But some job applicants go light years beyond this.

We surveyed top personnel

executives of 100 major American corporations and

asked for stories of unusual

behavior by job applicants.

The lowlights:

- "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job

application."

- "She wore a Walkman and said she could

listen to me and the music at the same time."

- "A balding candidate abruptly excused

himself. Returned to office a few

minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

- "...asked to see interviewer's resume to see

if the personnel executive was

qualified to judge the candidate."

- "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded

to eat a hamburger and

french fries in the interviewer's office -

wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

- "Stated that, if he were hired, he would

demonstrate his loyalty by having

the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

- "Interrupted to phone his therapist for

advice on answering specific interview questions."

- "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood

up and started tap dancing

around my office."

- "At the end of the interview, while I stood

there dumbstruck, went through

my purse, took out a brush, brushed

his hair, and left."

- "...pulled out a Polaroid camera and

snapped a flash picture of me. Said he

collected photos of everyone who

interviewed him."

- "Said he wasn't interested because the position

paid too much."

- "While I was on a long-distance phone call,

the applicant took out a copy

of Penthouse, and looked through the photos

only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

- "During the interview, an alarm clock

went off from the candidate's brief case.

He took it out, shut it off, apologized and

said he had to leave for another interview."

- "A telephone call came in for the job applicant.

It was from his wife. His side of

the conversation went like this: 'Which

company? When do I start? What's the

salary?'

I said, 'I assume you're not interested in

conducting the interview any further.'

He promptly responded, 'I am as long

as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him,

but later found out there was no other

job offer. It was a scam to get a higher

offer."

- "His attache [case] opened when

he picked it up and the contents

spilled,

revealing ladies' undergarments and

assorted makeup and perfume."

- "Candidate said he really didn't want

to get a job, but the unemployment

office needed proof that he was looking

for one."

- "...asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to

the picture on my desk.

When I said it was my wife, he asked

if she was home now and wanted

my phone number. I called security."

- "Pointing to a black case he carried

into my office, he said that if he was

not hired, the bomb would go off.

Disbelieving, I began to state why he

would never be hired and that I

was going to call the police. He

then reached

down to the case, flipped a switch,

and ran. No one was injured, but

I did need to get a new desk."

How to correctly hold a pole

2011-05-17T16:40:00.002-06:00

How to correctly hold on to a pole.

No, No, they guy by the door......

Sometimes I worry about you!!

Why I'm Divorced Now

2011-05-13T17:22:00.000-06:00

Last week was my birthday and I didn't

Feel very well waking up that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
he barely said good morning,
let alone
"Happy Birthday."

I thought....

well, that's marriage for you;
but the kids....
they will remember.

My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my handsome boss Rick, said,
"Good Morning, lady,
and by the way
Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Rick knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..."
I said, "Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each,
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do we?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind?"
He said,
"Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
"If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
he came out
carrying a huge birthday cake...
followed by my husband,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday"....

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

The Biker, Child and Lion

2011-05-12T17:19:00.000-06:00

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS

AFRICAN IMMIGRANT

AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days

Osama Bin Laden Drink

2011-05-10T16:39:00.002-06:00

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

2011-04-26T17:32:00.000-06:00

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked him straight in the eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Washington Road Crew

2011-04-16T18:31:00.000-06:00

A guy goes to the Washington State Highway Dept. to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.. No point in you coming in for that."

Oz

2011-04-13T16:17:00.000-06:00

Today, if Dorothy were to encounter

men with no brains, no hearts,

and no balls,

she wouldn't be in Oz.

She'd be in Congress!

How Men Screw Up Romance

2011-04-12T15:57:00.001-06:00

I think I could handle billions of women, could you?

2011-04-08T23:45:00.003-06:00

I've got to go to the store and buy some of this AXE!

If this doesn't cheer you up nothing will

2011-04-01T22:58:00.004-06:00

The Honeymoon is over

You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start….

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate. --Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. --Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. --Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. --Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners. --David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America ! --Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers. --Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. --David Letterman

Smoking Kills!

2011-03-25T16:52:00.000-06:00

How to avoid road rage on the highway

2011-03-24T16:48:00.001-06:00