Monday, June 30, 2008

You think that your Toilet Paper Hurts?!!

Have you ever been to a public restroom or maybe even the one you use at work and thought...Man this TP is like using sandpaper, I think I just tore a Hemorrhoid!

Well that is nothing compared to what they use in this Aussie Commercial

I think that I will order me a couple of packs of the Hot Chili oil kind!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Beware - The Power of Chilli

This Story had me laughing so hard that I was crying. So here it is enjoy....

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
Said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening
I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
Definitely going to mess yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,

which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day,

both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
Of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
"Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
Through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual
Morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when,
I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that
I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
And began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
Until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
The pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
Talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always
Seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
Forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
Step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief,
It happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
In a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body,
And I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an
Elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
Reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate,
As she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two
Different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure
Some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
Walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
So terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running,
Was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as
Though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course , made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down",
If you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
Forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was
Later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone
Was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
Through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,
Praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
Inevitable "Oh my, Oh my", floating above the toilet seat because my butt is
Burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
Meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
" Oh h h h!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
Intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached
Me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager
Is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
Take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
His nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!",
Then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously
Escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in
court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Be a REAL Mentor to Kids...So Peyton Manning doesn't have to be!

This came from Saturday night live..... I never new that Peyton Manning had such a sense of humor. Check it out!!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Kids on Marrage

This was an Email sent to me and I have to admit these kids are pretty smart to come up with these.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
(3) 50

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

(1) Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -Craig, age 9

(1) When they're rich. - Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7 (Good Point)
(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule)

(1) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

(1) There sure would be lot of kids to explain, wouldn't t here? - Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10 (The boy already understands)

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Incredible Hulk

This Movie Freaking Rocks!

I have been waiting for someone to do an
other Hulk movie since the first one came out. Don't get me wrong that movie had it's moments, but it was really hard to sit for 45 minutes in anticipation of seeing the Hulk while the story is building. In this new movie you didn't have to wait more then 15 minutes before the big green fella showed up.

Let me just say that I am a huge Marvel fan and this movie didn't disappoint. I was ramping myself up for this movie watching trailers, the first movie again, and even playing Hulk ultimate destruction with my son on the Playstation 2. One of the things that I liked about this movie was that they really tried to incorporate many of the video games aspects into the film. One example is when the Hulk is facing off against the Abomination and he tears a car in half then grips the 2 pieces to create Steel fists to pound on the Abomination.
I am a big fan of Edward Norton so I was really excited to see that he had the lead role in the movie. They really tried to make him look and act like the Bruce Banner from the TV series and I think he pulled it off really well. When the Hulk did arrive I liked that they infused all the muscley details that they could into this version. They had several closeups of the Hulks face and really made sure that you could see the emotions that he was feeling (Mostly Anger and Rage) in the scene.
The short skinny on this movie is that Bruce Banner has been living as a fugitive from the US Army and General Ross for about 5 years after the Hulk puts Betty Ross in the hospital following some tests that triggered the big green guy to appear. Banner is working in a bottling plant in Brazil when some of his blood finds its way into a bottle of soda leading the Army to where he is hiding. He has been in contact with someone on the net named Mr. Blue who has been helping him try to find a cure. After escaping the Army in Brazil Bruce heads back to the lab where it all started to get his research files only to find they are missing. He runs into his longtime love Betty and she starts helping him with the Army breathing down their necks lead by Emil Blonsky and Russian soldier on loan to General Ross. Blonsky volunteers to be injected with a super soldier serum to help him deal with the Hulk only to start wanting more and more power. Well he ends up getting what he wants at the price of looking like a Freak. He and the Hulk have a battle royal in the streets and rooftops of New York, NY leading up to the climax of the movie.

I would dare say that you would not be disappointed with this movie as it is a thrill ride from start to finish.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Trunk Monkey Advertisment

I think that these Ad's are Hilarious, what do you think?!!

You Don't Mess With The Zohan!

I laugh just saying the name of this movie. It was Hilarious!

I am a big Adam Sandler fan anyway but this film reminded me of his earlier movies. He went back to basics so to speak of using the formula that made Billy Madison, Happy Gillmore and The Waterboy such huge successes. I saw an interview with Sandler and he said that he wrote it with his buddies about 7 years ago, so that may be why it is more like the humor that we saw back then.

I will give you a little warning about this film and that is that it is VERY sexually oriented. I would say that 90% of the jokes and lines in this movie were related to SEX. If that stuff offends you then this movie probably isn't for you.

The Zohan is the most popular guy in his town, everything just falls into place for him. He is a Covert Israeli anti-terrorism specialist and no-one is better then he is at it. It starts out with the Zohan getting picked up for a mission while he's at the beach and he is told that he must capture his Nemesis the Phantom....Again!

He goes to the Phantoms stronghold to capture him but he is secretly wanting to escape the life of a super soldier and make everyone's hair Silky Smooth (A borrowed line from Billy Madison, as if you didn't already know that) so they can be happy. Well after many funny scenes including one of my favorites where the Zohan disassembles one of the bad guys machine guns just by moving his hands up and down he has a show down with the Phantom. Zohan eventually fakes his own death instantly immortalizing the Phantom among his people.

Zohan then heads to New York the work in the Paul Mitchell hair salon to finally fulfill his dream. He doesn't want to be recognized by anyone so he borrows the name Scrappy Coco from a couple of pouches he met on the plane ride to america.

Long story short he finally talks Rafaella into letting him cut hair at her Salon not knowing that she is really the Phantoms little sister. They start falling in love and Zohan has to help her and the other business owners in her neighborhood fight a greedy land developer (The guy that is famous for saying "Are you ready to rumble" at sporting events through out the USA) to save the day. He teams up with the Phantom and they kick some butt against the Developers hired Redneck Thugs led by Dave Mathews (without his band) and save the day.

All in All this is one of those movies that you are guaranteed to laugh out loud at.


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