Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said,
my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store,
It would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..
"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and hisLeg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief willcover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week goes by and he Receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint..
The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:
We have TRIED our very BEST Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
This year, have an Obama Halloween!
Do the following when kids come to ‘’ at your door:
1. Tell them that you are celebrating an ‘Obama Halloween’
2. Collect each child’s bag of goodies.
3. Dump all of the bags together, explaining to the children that we should all be willing to share.
4. Remove approximately 1/3 of the candy and tell the children that this will go to needy children who aren’t able to afford costumes to ‘Trick or Treat’ in.
5. Put equal amounts of the remaining candy into each child’s bag, explaining to them that it wouldn’t be fair for anyone to have significantly more candy than another.
6. Congratulate them on their willingness to participate in “Change,” then close the door.
Ignore any crying, wailing or indignant outcry. These are greedy, fascist tea-baggers who don’t believe in America.
Happy Obama Halloween!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.ST.
I was the guy wearing the black
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from
DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a
etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not
might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
Remember this motto ...An armed society makes for a more
Monday, October 12, 2009
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the . The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1 . Liberals
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement..
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the .
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.