Sunday, May 29, 2011

I like it in the Rear?


Who wouldn't like it in the rear?




I was talking about the charging pin hole you sicko!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Giraffe licking the wall at the zoo





Nasty!

Friday, May 27, 2011

Pistol Shooting Tips from a 5 year old


I think he needs to bend his knee's a little more and he'll have it!





He's a pistol shooting champ in the making!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Don't Trust Post Office Workers!





There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn
to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars..

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

New Halloween Costume for this year


The Charlie Sheen Costume









Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Amish Elevator


A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.





The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'



While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.




They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.






The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'




PECANS IN THE CEMETERY



On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just Inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several Dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he Thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
One for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?


Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the

Fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all..

Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

How to Mess Up a Job Interview




We've all been interviewed for jobs. And,


we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not


to do.


Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't


belch.


If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify


ourselves instantly.


But some job applicants go light years beyond this.


We surveyed top personnel


executives of 100 major American corporations and


asked for stories of unusual


behavior by job applicants.


The lowlights:

- "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job


application."

- "She wore a Walkman and said she could


listen to me and the music at the same time."

- "A balding candidate abruptly excused


himself. Returned to office a few


minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

- "...asked to see interviewer's resume to see


if the personnel executive was


qualified to judge the candidate."

- "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded


to eat a hamburger and


french fries in the interviewer's office -


wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

- "Stated that, if he were hired, he would


demonstrate his loyalty by having


the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

- "Interrupted to phone his therapist for


advice on answering specific interview questions."

- "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood


up and started tap dancing


around my office."

- "At the end of the interview, while I stood


there dumbstruck, went through


my purse, took out a brush, brushed


his hair, and left."

- "...pulled out a
Polaroid camera and


snapped a flash picture of me. Said he


collected photos of everyone who


interviewed him."


- "Said he wasn't interested because the position


paid too much."

- "While I was on a long-distance phone call,


the applicant took out a copy


of Penthouse, and looked through the photos


only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

- "During the interview, an alarm clock

went off from the candidate's brief case.

He took it out, shut it off, apologized and

said he had to leave for another interview."

- "A telephone call came in for the job applicant.

It was from his wife. His side of

the conversation went like this: 'Which

company? When do I start? What's the

salary?'

I said, 'I assume you're not interested in

conducting the interview any further.'

He promptly responded, 'I am as long

as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him,

but later found out there was no other

job offer. It was a scam to get a higher

offer."

- "His attache [case] opened when

he picked it up and the contents

spilled,

revealing ladies' undergarments and

assorted makeup and perfume."

- "Candidate said he really didn't want

to get a job, but the unemployment

office needed proof that he was looking

for one."

- "...asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to

the picture on my desk.

When I said it was my wife, he asked

if she was home now and wanted

my phone number. I called security."

- "Pointing to a black case he carried

into my office, he said that if he was

not hired, the bomb would go off.

Disbelieving, I began to state why he

would never be hired and that I

was going to call the police. He

then reached

down to the case, flipped a switch,

and ran. No one was injured, but

I did need to get a new desk."

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