Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
I can see my buddies now saying "Oh, it doesn't kick that bad, just try it"
And then they sit back and watch me make a fool of myself like these guys!
Either this thing kicks like a mule, or these are some really wimpy guys!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, , were standing there, so I
asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you
would do? 'She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the .' Her parents beamed.
'Wow....what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have
to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my
house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay
you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the
homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward
food and a new house. ' She thought that over for a few seconds, then
she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the
homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the
$50? 'I said, 'Welcome to the .' Her parents still
aren't speaking to me.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most
women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following
letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time
and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were..
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means somethin g, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
I wouldn't want to be this guys boss knowing where that memo's been!
I can just hear the boss now "Johnson, why do all your memo's smell like ass?!!!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Dear Civilians, 'We know that the current state of affairs in our great Nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.
For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we active and vets would like your assistance:
1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass.
2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the in protest, kick their ass.
3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.
4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling others that you used to be 'Special Forces'. Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.
5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking... (children are exempt).
6. If you witness someone calling the *US Coast Guard* 'non-military', inform them of their mistake - and kick their ass.
7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.
8. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or veteran. We are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief (CinC). The President (for those who didn't know) is our CinC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the Military to go straighten it out. If you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get your ass kicked.
9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore would kick your ass!
10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's go kill those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me - if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass!
11. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines*), 'Grunt' (*Army*), 'Squid' (*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers' (*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your ass kicked.
12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military And the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our Country would get its ass kicked.
'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.'
'It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.'
'It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.'
'It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.'
AND ONE MORE:
13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national anthem in Spanish - KICK THEIR ASS.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Obama, and were flying on Obama's private plane.
Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, you know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the
window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied
I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy. Michelle added,
That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred
people very happy. Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
Such big-shots back there. I could throw all 3 of them out of the window and make 56 million
people very happy.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they
requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After
All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied,
"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
New Fashion Rage In Police Mug Shots, These are actual Police Photos.
I guess they got their change ....... of residency to the State Penn!
Monday, January 4, 2010
orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar
and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The
cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona ,
the other is in . When we all left our home in Texas , we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for
myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite
puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh,
no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I
joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
It's good to know that we men are not alone when it comes to screwing up with the opposite sex!
Apparently it happens in the animal kingdom as well, check it out....
If this cat is anything like the rest of us guys, he tuned out about 10 seconds into this cuss session!!
Sorry Ladies, that's just how we are programmed.
If you want us to get what you are saying make the first few seconds count!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Have you lost your camera recently? Mislaid it somewhere in a national park? Left it in a taxi? Dropped it in the gorilla pit? Anyone can be a victim of the thoughtlessness and/or sleepiness that can lead to Camera Loss.
‘How can I prevent Camera Loss?’ I hear you ask, wishing I’d get to the point. Well, you can’t prevent cameras from getting lost, but you can do something so your camera can be found very soon after it has vanished.
All you have to do is take some photos – which you never delete from your camera – so when someone finds your camera at the bottom of the gorilla pit they are able to locate you and return the lost property to its rightful owner.
To illustrate just how you can safeguard your camera from the crippling effects of Camera Loss, here are the pics that I always keep on my camera.