Monday, September 29, 2008

Things not to say to a cop...

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went 

into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for 

about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was this cop writing 

out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about 

giving a retired person a break?' He ignored me and continued 

writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him 

a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for 

having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him 'doughnut eating 

Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the 

windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I 

called him a moron in blue. This went on for about 20 minutes

The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote. 

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus. 

The car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those 

bumper stickers that said, 'Obama in '08'. I try to have a little 

fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's 

important to my health.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

New Male and Female ATM Procedures


>  A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
> 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.. 
> Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts. 
> After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been
developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.' 
> ******************************* 
> 1. Drive up to the cash machine.
> 2. Put down your car window. 
> 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
> 4.. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 
> 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
> 6.. Put window up. 
> 7. Drive off. 
> ******************************* 
> What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
> 1. Drive up to cash machine.
> 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
> 3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
> 4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 
> 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
> 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
> 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car. 
> 8. Insert card. 
> 9 Re-insert card the right way. 
> 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page. 
> 11.. Enter PIN. 
> 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
> 13.. Enter amount of cash required. 
> 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 
> 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 
> 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 
> 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
> 18. Re-check makeup. 
> 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 
> 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 
> 21. Retrieve card. 
> 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
> 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
> 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 
> 25. Redial person on cell phone. 
> 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 
> 27. Release Parking Brake.

I think that I was behind this lady yesterday!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

And you thought that "Dumb Blonde" was only a stereotype!

This Blonde goes above and beyond the normal example of a Dumb Blonde!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Why Men Don't Ask For Directions!

Have you ever wondered why a guy won't ask for directions? you probably thought it was because of some strange defective gene in our DNA.... But the following video Explains it all. 

So Ladies the next time you ask your man to just stop and ask for directions just remember what you have just seen and then you'll know why we won't do it!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Two Women in the after life

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 
1st woman: I froze to death. 
2nd woman: How horrible! 
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching televison. 
1st woman: So, what happened? 
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. 

Saturday, September 20, 2008

I've heard of Daycare... But Husbandcare?

I know that there are days when my wife wants to drop me off at a place like this...

It's probably good that we don't have these or you ladies would never see us again.... Maybe that wouldn't be so bad for some of you......HA, HA, HA!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Showing my Age

You Know You Grew Up In the 80's if: 

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE. 

2. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton 

3. You know that 'WOAH' comes from Joey on Blossom 
4. If you ever watched 'Fraggle Rock' 
5. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons. 

6. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head. 

7. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school. 
8. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side. 

9. You played the game 'MASH'(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)

10. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it. 
11. You know the profound meaning of ' WAX ON , WAX OFF' 
12. You wanted to be a Goonie. 
13. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us...head-to-toe) 

14. You can remember what
 Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted. 

15. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf. 
16. You took lunch boxes to school...and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard. 

17. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets. 
18. You still get the urge to say 'NOT' after every sentence. 

19. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.

20. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes. 
21. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying 'I know you are, but what am I?' 
22. You remember 'I've fallen and I can't get up' 
23. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates. 
24. You have ever played with a Skip-It. 
25. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that. 
26. You remember watching both Gremlins movies. 

27. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot. 

28. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac. 
29. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as 'NKOTB' 
30. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on 'Saved By The Bell,' The ORIGINAL class. 
31. You know all the words to Bon Jovi’s Livin’ on a Prayer. 

32. You just sang those words to yourself.

33. You still sing 'We are the World'

34. You tight rolled your jeans.

35. You owned a bannana clip. 
36. You remember 'Where's the Beef?' 

37. You used to (and probably still do) 
say 'What you talkin' 'bout Willis?

38. You're STILL singing Livin’ on a Prayer in your head, aren't you! 

I remember ALL of this.... is that sad or what?!


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