Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Nice Moves!






That's nothing, I know a 89 year old who can do the Helicopter Breakdance move!

Monday, June 28, 2010

Grandma still drives






Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives

her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local

Christian book store and saw a 'Honk

if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day

because I had just come from a thrilling

choir performance, followed by a thunderous

prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting

experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy

intersection, just lost in thought about

the Lord and how good he is, and I

didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves

Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd

never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy

behind started honking like crazy,

and then he leaned out of his window

and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go!
Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader

he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started

waving and smiling at all those loving

people.

I even honked my horn a few times

to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida

back there because I heard him

yelling something about a sunny

beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny

way with only his middle finger

stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson

in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian

good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from

Hawaii, so I leaned out the window

and gave him the good luck sign

right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this

religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught

up in the joy of the moment that they

got out of their cars and started walking

towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what

church I attended, but this is when I

noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers

and sisters, and drove on through the

intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that

got through the intersection before

the light changed again and felt kind

of sad that I had to leave them after

all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned

out the window and gave them all

the Hawaiian good luck sign one

last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful

folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Wrong E-Mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel
where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on
Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago,
there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his
wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her
E-mail address,
and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile ... Somewhere in Houston .... A widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to
glory after suffering a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages
from relatives and friends..... After reading the first message, she
screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his
mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday,
October 13, 2005
Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest
Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your
loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see
that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.


PS . It sure is freakin' hot down here.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Cell phone for Seniors



The sad truth is that many people WOULD prefer something like this!!!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Male and Female ATM Procedures




MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set
parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required..

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in
check register and place receipt in back of check book.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Re-dial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I was wrong too!



Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that
poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

Monday, June 21, 2010

Jungle Alcohol


These are the marula trees that grow in Africa . Once a year they produce very juicy fruits which contain a large percentage of alcohol. Because there is a shortage of water, as soon as the fruits are ripe, animals gather around & under them to help protect themselves from the heat.

Even animals need to get drunk every once in a while!




I bet if you could import this fruit you would make a killing!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Nothing going right?



A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.



"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.



"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."



"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.


" I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.



"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all .



I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then

you shows up and ruins the whole thing!"

Friday, June 18, 2010

Great Answer from Dad



A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and
inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades
up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your
hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your
grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,
but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

Your going to love the Dad's reply:

... his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Philosophies from the South

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck." Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Louisiana

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana. "When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

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