Friday, April 30, 2010

Shop Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'


SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.


TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.


PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.


UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Why Men prefer Republican Women!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Cow and the Ice Cream



--From a teacher in the Nashville area

"We are worried about 'the cow' when it is all about the 'Ice Cream.'


The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade this year...


The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest.

I decided we would have an election for a class president.


We would choose our nominees.. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.


To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members.


We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have.


We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.


The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids.


I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support.


I had never seen Olivia's mother.


The day arrived when they were to make their speeches.

Jamie went first.


He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better

place. He ended by promising to do his very best.


Everyone applauded and he sat down.


Now is was Olivia's turn to speak.


Her speech was concise.
She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down.

The class went wild. "Yes! Yes!
We want ice cream."

She surely would say more. She did not have to.


A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream?
She wasn't sure.

Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it...
She didn't know.

The class really didn't care.
All they were thinking about was ice cream..

Jamie was forgotten.. Olivia won by a landslide.


Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream and
52 percent of the people reacted like nine year olds.

They want ice cream.


The other 48 percent know
they're going to have to feed the cow and clean up the mess."


This is the ice cream Obama promised us!





Did you vote for the ice cream?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Unintentional Perverted Toys!



You have to check out this link, there are some pretty sick toymakers out there.

Some of these may be unintentional but I have my doubts, you decide!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Logic Behind a Flamethrower!



So True!!!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Dogs on Welfare?



This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that all my dogs are orphans, mixed in color, unemployed, need looking after, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddy’s are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, pick up after them and feel guilty because they are dogs.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Man, is this is a great country, or what?

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Math Homework




A little boy was doing his Math homework. He said to himself, Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...

His mother heard what he was saying and gasp, What are you doing ?

The little boy answered, I'm doing my math homework, Mom.

And this is how your teacher taught you to do it ?

Yes, he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, What are you teaching my son in math ?

The teacher replied, Right now, we are learning addition.

The mother asked, and are you teaching them to say two plus two that son of a bitch is four ?

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Funny Pictures









Sunday, April 18, 2010

Lemon Picker




The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have!

"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Toyota 's, and I voted for Obama.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Demolition Phone Call


This little girl had the right idea, I wanted my school blown up when I was a kid too!



I just never had the guts to call anyone about it!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Consequences


There are always consequences to our actions!



Moral of the story is to make sure that there is no one in your way when you throw a bottle!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Why Senior Drivers Should Be Tested Each Year!


This is mild compared to my Grandpa, He drove up our main street 5 miles in the Turning Lane and honked at anyone in his way.

He never slowed down. He must have thought that it was his own private lane!!!



Sunday, April 11, 2010

Scouting



Dear Mum & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.


We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jesse how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.


Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters &
buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love, Jimmie

Saturday, April 10, 2010

When Guys Have Their Priorities Straight


There is a code that Guys live by and these are perfect examples of living it to the letter!





My favorite one was the one with Jennifer Aniston!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Dirty Maid

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Monday, April 5, 2010

Letter to Husband



My darling husband,


Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truckwhen I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from
Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX






PS. Your Girlfriend Called!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Chipendales 30th Reunion


Then





Now





Good to see it happens to the best of us too!!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Electric Fence Warning



Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an electric fence!

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground.

The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp Big Wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.

I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the
1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand.

Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.

Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.. It seems as though the fence charger and the lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap and pee at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do both at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and "BAM, BAM, BAM" you just crap your pants 3 times; It seemed like there were minutes in between, but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.

My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those "piece of crap" chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just 'kinda tickled. This I could not let go of.

The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

Damn!, I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop and pee and with my balls on my chest, I think 'Oh God please let me die... pleeeeze let me die'.

But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhing the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later.

The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas.

It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop and pee when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the Game Room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!)

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow

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