Friday, September 23, 2011

The President goes Banking




President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of Am...Erica!!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check"

Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, my mind is a total blank ~~~ there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Eagle is gone




The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol

of the American Presidency.

It is half black, half white, and everything it does stinks!

Monday, September 19, 2011

The Dead Mule and the Government



Earl and Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News newspaper in Starkville, Mississippi, and bought a mule for $100.


The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.




The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."




Earl and Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."




The farmer said, "Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."




They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."




The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"




Leroy said, "We gonna raffle him off."




The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"




Earl said, "We shor can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"




A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Earl and Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"




They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."




Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."




The farmer said,"Gol dern, didn't anyone complain?"




Earl said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."




Earl and Leroy now work for the gub'ment.


They're overseein' the Debt Ceiling Program.


There should be a new rule: Limit all U.S. politicians to two terms:


One in office


One in prison.


Illinois already does this.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Splinters in her private area



A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her,

"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down!"

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Children are Quick



TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Because Class started before I got here.

--------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN:
Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I '

MILLIE: I is.

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.


(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Longest Password Ever




During a recent password audit by Google,

it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:
"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital."

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