Sunday, February 28, 2010

Ever wonder about those Black SUV's in a Motorcade?

I think GM is going to start selling these soon.

I can just see some soccer mom with one of these babies and has someone cut her off. "Billy, man the gun and take out that minivan!"



Heaven Help us all!

Saturday, February 27, 2010

F-18 and Speeding

Think that you have a good Speeding Ticket Story?

Top this......





Two Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of Oceanside , San Diego , California ..

One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.

The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.




Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's home base location.

Back at the California Highway Patrol Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Marine Corps. Base Commander for shutting down his equipment.






The reply came back in True USMC style!

'Thank you for your letter.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Semper Fi

The Amazing Christopher

I've heard of a 1 man band....... but not a 1 man village people group!


Friday, February 26, 2010

Darwin's are out!!!

Yes,
it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards
are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious winner:


1.

When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended

victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California

would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only

inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the

trigger again.. This time it worked.

And

now, the honorable mentions:

2.

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat

cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted

a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting

negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.

He tried the machine and he also lost a finger... The chef's

claim was approved.

3.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his

car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to

find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot

her.

4.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus

driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be

transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting

to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus

stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then

delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the

staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to

bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3

days.

5.

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from

serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When

asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that

he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to

a moving train before he was hit.

6.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the

counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash

drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the

register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the

cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the

counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...

$15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a

crime committed?]

7.

Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He

decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor

store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the

cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The

cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the

head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was

made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on

videotape.

8.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man

grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately,

and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of

the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the

snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.

The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand

there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer,

that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse

from."

9.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked

into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a

gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he

said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.

When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't

available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away.

[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10.

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home

parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained

for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man

curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police

spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal

gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's

sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to

press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever

had.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Pigeon Impossible


This is awesome! Well worth the 6 minutes to watch.

Enjoy!!!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Never Send a Woman to get an Oil Change!


This is the last time I send my wife to get an oil change!





I don't know how we will get the car back!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Spring is almost here!


Spring’s almost here ...

We can now see the deer moving around.


Yep, won't be long now.












Sunday, February 21, 2010

Celebrity Homes


Here are a few Celebrity Homes for you to drool over.....

I like the last one the best


John Travolta

Halle Berry

Oprah Winfrey

J-Lo & Mark Anthony

Hugh Heffner

Billy Joel

Silvester Stallone

Tiger Woods


Watch where you sit!




ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.



The case came up in court.



The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.



The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this:

when the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'



' CASE DISMISSED '

Saturday, February 20, 2010

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf,
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


Special Twins




Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park
themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the
bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please.'
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make
polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on
holiday yet, lads?''Off to England next month,' says John.
'We go to England every year, hire a car. and drive for
miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.
'Ah, England !' says the bartender. 'Wonderful Country ...
the history, the beer, the culture....'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John.
'Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we
can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude,
not civil and polite like us Canadians.'
'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive...

Friday, February 19, 2010

I Love this Doctor!!





Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).. And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Ice Cream even better – everything Cow eats in one package!

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit.. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain.. All people who don’t drink unhappy – happy people live longer so drink more. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. More people killed running on street than lying on couch. My philosophy is: No pain....good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: What about food additives?

A: You want to complain about something for free? If it added – must be better – like fuel additive!

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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