Friday, March 25, 2011

Smoking Kills!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

How to avoid road rage on the highway

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

What religion is your bra

A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,

'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

What type of bra?'asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's

more than one type?'

' Look around,'said the saleslady,

as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color
and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this

variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'

Relieved, the man askedabout the types.

The saleslady replied:

'There are the Catholic,

Salvation Army,Presbyterian,

and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled,

the man asked about

the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded,

'It is all really quite simple.'

The Catholic type
supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type
keeps them staunch and upright;

The Baptist type
makes mountains out of molehills.

And have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD,

E, F, G, and H are the letters used to

define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why,

but couldn't figure out

what the letters stood for,

it is about time
you became


A} Almost Boobs.

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain.

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen

and I can't get up!

Send this toall that will

appreciate it!

They forgot the German bra.


Monday, March 14, 2011

Bull Pucky!

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Snow Plow for Seniors

Saturday, March 12, 2011

President's Day

I was eating lunch last week with my 8-year-old grandson when his mom asked him "What was the holiday you got off school for last week?" He said "It was President's Day"

She asked, "What does that mean?”.... I was waiting for something profound...

He said, "President's Day is when Obama stepped out of the White House and when he saw his shadow, we were going to have 2 more years of unemployment."

I almost snorted my coffee.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I need a raise

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

Monday, March 7, 2011

An Apple Company Break Through

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Even Bikers have hearts

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to Jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you Doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an Opportunity, he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have Ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
Why Are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Friday, March 4, 2011

Never Trust a Gay Cowboy!!!

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a
ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than
the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up
your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now takeoff my bra.." Again, with
, he did as he was told and dropped it to the

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
you're fired."

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Obsess Much?!!!

A child development/ social worker was leading a seminar with four young
mothers of small children.

'You all have obsessions, he observed.'

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, 'Your obsession is alcohol. This
too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea
what he's talking about. Lets pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Greatest Prank Call Ever!

I don't know how you could keep from laughing!

I couldn't do it and not bust up!


Related Posts with Thumbnails