Craigslist - To the Guy who crapped his pants

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me

in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.ST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry

jacket that you demanded that I hand over,

shortly after you pulled the knife on me and

my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also

asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across

this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment;

I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when

I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening

was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a

reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber

Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had

picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon

when pointed at your head ...isn't it?! I know it probably

wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from

with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was

even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave

your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That

prevented you from calling or running to your buddies

to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother,

or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I

explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then

I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of

four other people in the gas station -- on your credit

card. The guy with the big motor home took 150

gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie

Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet.

[That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into

the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the

curb ....after I broke the windshield and side window

and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from

your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the

line, although I only used the phone for a little over

a day now, so what's going on with that? Earlier, I

managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the

DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning

President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a

nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number

etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not

killing you ...but I feel this type of retribution is a

far more appropriate punishment for your threatened

crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some

of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can

only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect

upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've

chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you

might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

P.S.
Remember this motto ...An armed society makes for a more

civil society!