Mission Impossible Squirrel

Think again if you think you can get rid of these squirrels.

This takes place in deepest East Texas near Lovelady. The owner of the yard added each piece of the Rube Goldberg contraption slowly so that when the squirrel learned one section and got the nuts, they added another section. Finally, it ended with what you see on the video! It took place over two-months to get to this point.

Holiday Funnies

Christmas Cartoons

The Truth Behind the JFK Assasination

This isn't a Funny Video, but I thought it was interesting..... Check it out.

Do you remember Lyndon Johnson saying on TV the day after the Kennedy assassination, that the world would never know all the facts surrounding Kennedys killing for 75 years until the complete file of information would be revealed. I also remember Walter Cronkite announcing on TV, that the Nation could not handle the full truth in that Century. Well, only 47 years have passed since Kennedy's assassination.

This is hard to fake and is very chilling....... who was driving?

This video shows the limousine chauffeur that takes President
J.F.K. and his wife, November 22nd 1963 in Dallas , Texas , shooting the gun with his left hand.
This was the video that the CIA did not show to the public view. And did you ask yourself why was Jackie trying to run away towards the
trunk, away from the front of the car? And why was JFK's skull wound in the front, when supposedly Oswald shot him from the back??

Crazy stuff!

It might be true or it might not but it looks pretty real.

You are so Grounded!

I might have to do more then ground my kid if they did this to me!!





Sad thing is this is something I would have done to my Mom.

Mama's Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful
doctors and lawyers, and prospered.


Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who
lived far away in another city.


The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."


The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built
in the house."


The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."


The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and
you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the
entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had
to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the
church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter
and verse and the parrot will recite it."


The other brothers were impressed.


After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:


"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but
I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."


"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good.
Thanks."


"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it
could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my
hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for
the gesture just the same."


"Dearest Bob, you were the only son to have the good sense to
give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.
Thank you." Luv Ya.

Jesus and the Democrat

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and
asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"


The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she
give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for
a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,
"Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of
hot tea, "My treat."


The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches
He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey!
How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked
across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold
beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and
said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt
the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the
door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back
straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a
series of back flips out the door.


Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled,



"Don't touch me ... I'm collecting
disability."

Priceless!!!!

Blonds are the best!

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
Listening to the next door neighbor's dog...
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn, who was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Lynn explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end
so I throw them away."
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
"You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes
who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
Of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency
Room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting
Off your finger?"

"No, Silly," the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, &
then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'"
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' "
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
loud noise.' So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
trigger."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
hailstorm...her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, "What are you doing?" The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
Tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, "Uh, like hello!
you need to roll up the windows first."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
These are just too cute not to pass on!!!!

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
It to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos...
It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!"
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that," he asked?

"Why, that's a thermos...it keeps hot things hot & cold things cold," she
replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied...
"Two popsicles & some coffee."

+++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies,
"Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
"Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it & I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.

"No!" exclaims the blonde.
"I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"

Blondes Are The Best!!!

Even Hunters have hearts

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near Highway 7
early one cold December morning. Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the
corn they had spread in the low shrubs. The buck was magnificent, a once in
a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook as his mind
was already counting the Boone and Crockett points.

Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Simmons' Whitetail Classic
scope on his .25 WSSM at the unsuspecting buck.
As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his
friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down Highway 7.

The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his
hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was stunned, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing
I have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy deer go to pay
respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the kindest man I
have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years."

My Grandson saw my Paycheck!

I showed my grandson my paycheck and this is what happened...

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter

was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck

her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,

"Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again

and my daughter was standing on the bed

staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied,

"What happened to my booger?"

How the elderly call the police

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going
up to bed,when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened
the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people
in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy.
You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is
available..." George said, "Okay."


He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police
again..
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them
right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Explaning Lab Dogs

Divorced Barbie Doll

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

Dirty Mind

Get your mind out of the gutter!

Know when to Retire

The Best Beer Commercial Ever?

What's your verdict?

Nun in a Cab

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome Cab driver
won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am And have
been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and Hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could Say or ask
that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have To be single
and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would Make a hooker
blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his..

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in
a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get
out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental
pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a
doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember, these people can vote!!

Large Sea Bomb!

It’s pretty wild what happens to the ship when the water finally hits it.

Happy Halloween from the Navy!

The Spoon

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.



It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.



Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'



'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.



If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'



As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.



I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.



Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'



'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.



By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.



I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'



'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation,
crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to
make love to her,
he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed,
'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

HEAVEN OR HELL

HEAVEN OR HELL

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell..

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted.."

Vote wisely on November 2, 2010