The Most Tragic Death

Three men stood by the Golden Gate and St. Peter said, “Sorry,

>we’re all filled up so only one of you can come into heaven. So, out

>of you three, the one who had the most tragic death of all may

>enter and the rest of you had better put on some sunscreen.

>

>

>The first man spoke, “Well I am a newlywed and I tend to get jealous of

>my wife and her male friends, so I forbid her to see any of them while I

>was at work. But today I came home early and saw two wine glasses on the

>coffee table and when I asked my wife what was going on, she blushed and

>was silent. I searched the entire house for her male friend and finally

>I spotted someone’s hands grasping the railing on our balcony. In a fit

>of rage I stomped on the hands until the rascal fell 15 stories down

>into the BFI bin below. When I realized he was still alive, I unhooked

>my fridge and threw it over the railing. In the process of doing this, I

>had a heart attack.”

>

>St. Peter replied, “Wow, that’s too bad. Next?”

>

>The second man began to speak, “I am a window washer and I was

>minding my own business and washing the 17^th story windows at an

>apartment when my safety rope snapped and I began to fall. I reached out

>and in a stroke of luck, grabbed onto a balcony railing on the 15^th

>story. I was trying to catch my breath and waited for someone to rescue

>me when some lunatic started to stomp on my hands until I lost my grip

>and fell into the BFI bin below. I opened my eyes in disbelief only to

>see a fridge come crashing down onto my head.”

>

>St. Peter replied, “My, my... that is bad. Next?”

>

>The third man spoke last, “Well, I was hiding in the fridge when...”

Find the CAT

Hint: It is on the Left hand side and it's tail is almost touching the yellow square thing.

Lie Detector Robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides
to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "what movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the dad.

Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mom

God and Tom Brady

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity Tom, said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a huge 3-story mansion with Orange and Blue sidewalks and drive ways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Broncos logo flag waving, a swimming pool in shape of a horse, a Broncos logo in every window, and a Tim Tebow jersey on the front door.

Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 3 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said "So what's your point Tom?"

"Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Tim's house, it's mine."

The IRS sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!!

I guess it was because of my response on the line: "List all dependents"
I replied -
"12 million illegal immigrants;
"3 million crack heads;
"42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
"2 million people in over 243 prisons;
"Half of Mexico ; and
"535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Super Bowl Tickets

A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the

Super Bowl. As she sat down, a man

came

along and asked her if anyone is sitting in

the seat next to her.

"No," she said, "the

seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in

their right mind would

have a seat like

this for the Super Bowl, the biggest

sporting event in the world, and

not use it?"

Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat

actually belongs to me. I

was supposed

to come here with my husband, but he passed

away. This is the first

Super Bowl we have

not been to together since we got married in

1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible.

But couldn't you find

someone else - a friend

or relative or even a neighbor to take the

seat?" The woman shakes her

head, "No,

they're all at the funeral."

What is a bucket seat?

Now you know!

How the Internet changed my life

The President goes Banking

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"? Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"? Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of Am...Erica!!!!" Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID" Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am" Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check" Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?" Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, my mind is a total blank ~~~ there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing" Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

The Eagle is gone

The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol

of the American Presidency.

It is half black, half white, and everything it does stinks!

The Dead Mule and the Government

Earl and Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News newspaper in Starkville, Mississippi, and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Earl and Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Leroy said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Earl said, "We shor can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Earl and Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said,"Gol dern, didn't anyone complain?"

Earl said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Earl and Leroy now work for the gub'ment.

They're overseein' the Debt Ceiling Program.

There should be a new rule: Limit all U.S. politicians to two terms:

One in office

One in prison.

Illinois already does this.