Great Gift Idea for next Christmas

For those of you that didn't quite get exactly what you wanted for Christmas, this may just be the answer....




I have mine on order, what are you waiting for?!!!

Tiger Woods has a new sponsor

After losing most of his endorsements Tiger finally landed a sponsor that doesn't mind his wild social life!

An Issue of shopping

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most
women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following
letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time
and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were..

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

How to get out of a speeding ticket

When the cops say to pull all the way over to the right, you should really listen!







Not the best way to avoid a speeding ticket!

Larry the Cable guy with words of wisdom

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
�
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
�
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13... OK, so what's the speed of dark?

14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? Do We Die?

21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

24. Light travels faster than sound. �That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

How to carry Sheets of Plywood with ease

You don't have to be the Hulk to carry Plywood with ease just check out this video and see.....





Halfway through this video you forgot what you were watching for didn't you?

So, how many of you would be wearing the Daisy Dukes too??!!!!

Oops!

When terrorists play practical jokes on each other this is what happens....






I bet Achmed never saw that one coming, I would almost feel bad for the guy if he wasn't a terrorist!

An Expensive Withdrawl at the ATM

I just wanted $200 for gas to go camping!

Now I have to pay for the whole building!

And God Said.....

God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that
To him , and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'
!
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down;
Into the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'

And Adam said.....


*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache?'

Letter from an Excellent Boss

Dear
Employees:


As the CEO of this organization, I have
resigned myself to the
fact that Barrack Obama is our President and
that our taxes and
government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate
for these
increases, our prices would have to increase by
about 10%.. But
since we cannot increase our prices right now due to
the dismal state of
the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our
employees instead.
This has really been bothering me since I believe we
are family here and
I didn't know how to choose who
would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through
our parking lots and
found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our
employees' cars and have
decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I
can't think of a more
fair way to approach this problem.
They
voted for change...... I gave it to
them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company
picnic.

Texting or Morse Code?

So if you could choose which method would be faster to communicate a message to someone would you say Texting or Morse Code would be the faster choice?





Are you surprised?

Maybe these wing nuts that were texting are just slow but those older guys on the Morse code are impressive!

Confucious Say.....

If you can't find the book you want you must be shopping at the......



Gotta love the Asians!

Christmas funnies

This is the very reason that I built a 2 story house! I'm totally doing this next year!



This guy has the right idea, who needs to keep up with the Jones's!

I feel this way when my neighbors try to show me up with awesome Christmas lights!

Horse

Hey you in the funny yellow hat, I'm done here could you pass the Toilet paper??!!!!!

SENILE

Hey, I say if it's worked for 100 years why not! Maybe I'll take up smoking and light up a cigarette today..... Nah, I'll take my chances.



SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia,
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

Christmas is Cancelled

Female Genie

While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, Very well, I want to

awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.

" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

Lucky Cat

Man, I've never wanted to be a cat more in my life!


This is only logical......Cats are attracted to milk, right?!!

Cheap Kmart Earrings for Christmas?

Looking for a way to surprise your wife for Christmas, I think this would do it!




Now that's getting more bang for your buck!

To help set the mood for Obama's Nobel Peace Prize Celebration!

Mooner

Hope this video isn't too CHEEKY for you!







Who left their gum right here?!!!

Cow Thoughts

Oh my gosh, LOOK at the size of that zit!

Old People

Did they have porn in the 30's?




Have you seen my tape measure?


I can't feel my pancreas!



Mean Grandma, don't cross her, she'll kick your butt!

Moms in Theropy

Moms In Group Therapy................

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young Mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he
observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy..'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy
has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willie from
school and go get dinner.

A Short Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl....

'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

Have you ever wondered?

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were once in a Stripper's Butt Crack?!!







Now, Go make someone else wonder!!!!!

Reasons why I didn't make the Olympics

Here are a few reasons why I didn't make the Olympics, take a look...





My favorite was the cycling one!

Ooh Girl

Finally an R& B Artist that tells it like it really is.....

Listen for the Chafing part.






Sorry all I could give you is 3 minutes......

Never Trust a Woman Banker!

This is yet more evidence that women stick together in conspiring against us poor Guys!


Take a look.....

Family Tree's

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?' The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

Bell Ringer at Texas Tech University

You just joined the Texas Tech University as a freshman...

You are SO PROUD that you have been chosen to pump up the crowd as the school's 'BELL RINGER' during the big game...

Your whole family, all of your friends, and 15 million viewers see you on Saturday television, ringing the team's bell...

But due to the tragically unfortunate placement of the bell, the camera, and your body, your whole family, all of your friends, and 15 million ESPN viewers, see this instead.........

Ole Fills in

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.
I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole,
How was your day?'
Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't
Seen a man in over two years!!

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!!

Swimsuit Boutique

I'm at a loss for words!

Best Wife Ever!

Even Blind guys have needs........ Like Motorcycles and stuff!

I think my wife would have left me at the Motorcycle shop and drove off on the Bike!!!

Moles

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together

In a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks

His head
Out of the hole, sniffs the air

And said,

'Yum! I smell pancakes!'

The mama mole sticks her head

Out of the hole,

Sniffs the air and said,

'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying

To stick his head

Out of the hole to sniff the air,
But can't

Because the bigger moles

Are in the way.

This makes him whine,

'Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLEASSES!