Family Tree's

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?' The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

Bell Ringer at Texas Tech University

You just joined the Texas Tech University as a freshman...

You are SO PROUD that you have been chosen to pump up the crowd as the school's 'BELL RINGER' during the big game...

Your whole family, all of your friends, and 15 million viewers see you on Saturday television, ringing the team's bell...

But due to the tragically unfortunate placement of the bell, the camera, and your body, your whole family, all of your friends, and 15 million ESPN viewers, see this instead.........

Ole Fills in

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.
I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole,
How was your day?'
Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't
Seen a man in over two years!!

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!!

Swimsuit Boutique

I'm at a loss for words!

Best Wife Ever!

Even Blind guys have needs........ Like Motorcycles and stuff!

I think my wife would have left me at the Motorcycle shop and drove off on the Bike!!!

Moles

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together

In a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks

His head
Out of the hole, sniffs the air

And said,

'Yum! I smell pancakes!'

The mama mole sticks her head

Out of the hole,

Sniffs the air and said,

'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying

To stick his head

Out of the hole to sniff the air,
But can't

Because the bigger moles

Are in the way.

This makes him whine,

'Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLEASSES!

Larry the Cable Guy at Home Depot

Nothing better then visiting the Bathroom section of Home Depot with Larry the Cable Guy!

Unless you work there!

Quicksand Giraffe

The stages of death.....

I could see myself going through these stages in the same situation!

Deodorant Farts

I got this new deodorant today.

The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.

Your Kidding, Right?

I Ain't Smelling Those!

WHAT GROWN MEN DO WITH GI JOE ACTION FIGURES...

That's a righteous Kill, wouldn't you say Duke?!!! 

To bad Cobra Commander wasn't here I show him a thing or two!

Thanksgiving Humor

Some Jokes to get you in the mood for Turkey Day!!!

Texas Deputy Sheriff vs. A New York City Lawyer

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense. The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.' 'What for?' says the lawyer... The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.' Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' 'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'      The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' 'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.. Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' 'That sounds fair.  Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.  At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

God Bless Texas ........ 

Huge Water Bill

Apparently these people that filmed this kept getting a high water bill. They had plumbers check for leaks and could never find anything until one day the husband stayed home from work sick. He heard the water running and went downstairs to see this......

This is why I am a Dog person.

Dogs would never worry about flushing the toilet, they would just drink out of it!

Cats are just too dang sneaking and mischievous, plus they fart in your mouth at night! 

Beware of Garden Snakes

Garden Snakes Can Be Dangerous..... Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why. A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began pokingunder the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here................... They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake! The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the House fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night. And that's when he shot her.