Now that's a Trophy!

Halloween is gonna Suck this year!

Oh Crap A Democrat!

$50 Dollars is $50 Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'  Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars. 

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' 

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'  

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.' 

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.  

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' 

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Ever wondered why Candid Camera got canceled in Russia?

There is a very good reason why they no longer have Candid Camera in Russia, as you will see from the following video...

How is your financial advisor? This one scares me!

Never trust a woman financial advisor!

Great Car ad

Best Bicycle Ad in the World!!

This is awesome!

This is the Top Bike ad in the world, it has helped to sell millions of bikes world wide.

Sorry this version is kind of hard to hear so you may want to turn it up a little to hear the words.

Happy Riding!

When its OK to eat YELLOW Snow!

Normally this falls under the unwritten rules of life, like....

Don't spit into the wind, 

Don't eat Yellow Snow, etc.

But I guess this would be the exception!

What the Bra Letters really mean

Men ARE Better then Women ..... At Multi-tasking

As demonstrated in this video Men are much better at multi-tasking then Women are....

It doesn't pay to be a Cheerleader or in the band!

Think twice before joining the band or the cheerleading squad.....

I'm glad I just watched the games!

You Know Who

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.' Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker.. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.


LETTER 1:


Dear God:


  I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.





                    Your friend,


                    Carol


Carol knew this wasn't true.  She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.


LETTER 2:


Dear God:


 This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.


                Thank you,


                Carol


Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.


LETTER 3:


Dear God:


 I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.


                Thank you,


                Carol


Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset.  She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.


'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.


Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter


to God.


LETTER 4:


I GOT YOUR MAMA.


IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.


            Signed,


            YOU KNOW WHO

The New Guy

I hope that this guy has some really good life insurance!

If the toilet was that easy to move it makes you wonder where everything was going, right?!!

Things not to say to a cop...

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went 

into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for 

about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was this cop writing 

out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about 

giving a retired person a break?' He ignored me and continued 

writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him 

a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for 

having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him 'doughnut eating 

Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the 

windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I 

called him a moron in blue. This went on for about 20 minutes. 

The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote. 

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus. 

The car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those 

bumper stickers that said, 'Obama in '08'. I try to have a little 

fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's 

important to my health.

New Male and Female ATM Procedures

 

MALE VS. FEMLE AT THE ATM MACHINE >  A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: >   >   > 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles..  >   >   > Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.  >   >   > After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'  >   > *******************************  > MALE PROCEDURE:  > 1. Drive up to the cash machine. > 2. Put down your car window.  > 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. > 4.. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.  > 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. > 6.. Put window up.  > 7. Drive off.  >   >   > *******************************  >   >   > FEMALE PROCEDURE:  > What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!! >   >   > 1. Drive up to cash machine. > 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.  > 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. > 4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.  > 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. > 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. > 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.  > 8. Insert card.  > 9 Re-insert card the right way.  > 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.  > 11.. Enter PIN.  > 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. > 13.. Enter amount of cash required.  > 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.  > 15. Retrieve cash and receipt.  > 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.  > 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook. > 18. Re-check makeup.  > 19. Drive forward 2 feet.  > 20. Reverse back to cash machine.  > 21. Retrieve card.  > 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!  > 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. > 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.  > 25. Redial person on cell phone.  > 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.  > 27. Release Parking Brake. I think that I was behind this lady yesterday!

And you thought that "Dumb Blonde" was only a stereotype!

This Blonde goes above and beyond the normal example of a Dumb Blonde!

Why Men Don't Ask For Directions!

Have you ever wondered why a guy won't ask for directions? you probably thought it was because of some strange defective gene in our DNA.... But the following video Explains it all. 

So Ladies the next time you ask your man to just stop and ask for directions just remember what you have just seen and then you'll know why we won't do it!

Two Women in the after life

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 
1st woman: I froze to death. 
2nd woman: How horrible! 
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching televison. 
1st woman: So, what happened? 
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. 
 

I've heard of Daycare... But Husbandcare?

I know that there are days when my wife wants to drop me off at a place like this...

It's probably good that we don't have these or you ladies would never see us again.... Maybe that wouldn't be so bad for some of you......HA, HA, HA!