Charlton Heston's BBQ found

Charlton Heston's BBQ was found earlier this week, I wonder if he has big beef bullets that fit those chambers??!!!!

Stupid Shooter

You know they have stocks on rifles that rest against your armpit for a reason!

I'm surprised the idiot was able to turn his face before cracking his nose.

This probably waranted a trip to the hospital for a broken jaw though!

Good Bye Mom!

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him

around.

If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said,

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like

my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store,

It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of

the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went

to pay for his Groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her

things, too."

The perfect Halloween Costume

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and hisLeg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief willcover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week goes by and he Receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

We have TRIED our very BEST Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Why some women hate football

It is understandable why some women hate Football and other sports.

Old Hunting Stories

This reminds me of my Grandpa!

LA Fires

L A fire... In South Los Angeles, a 4 plex was destroyed by a fire. A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire. 6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died. A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire. Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived. The fire chief said, "They were both at work."

Obama-ween or Obama Halloween

Obama Halloween

This year, have an Obama Halloween!

Do the following when kids come to ‘Trick or Treat’ at your door:

1. Tell them that you are celebrating an ‘Obama Halloween’

2. Collect each child’s bag of goodies.

3. Dump all of the bags together, explaining to the children that we should all be willing to share.

4. Remove approximately 1/3 of the candy and tell the children that this will go to needy children who aren’t able to afford costumes to ‘Trick or Treat’ in.

5. Put equal amounts of the remaining candy into each child’s bag, explaining to them that it wouldn’t be fair for anyone to have significantly more candy than another.

6. Congratulate them on their willingness to participate in “Change,” then close the door.

Ignore any crying, wailing or indignant outcry. These ungrateful children are greedy, fascist tea-baggers who don’t believe in America.

Happy Obama Halloween!

Oops I Crapped My Pants

Finally an Adult Diaper with some backbone, that is not afraid to call it what it really is!

These are much better then wimpy Depends!

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,

still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour

surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears

to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are

my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,

Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry

about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment

and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown,

holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,

lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing

wrong with them, Sir!!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and

says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was

wonderful, but listen very, very closely......


' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ? '

This Year's Heisman Trophy Winner

This will look Awesome next to my Nobel Peace Prize which I also did nothing to earn!

You, in the corner just stay there cause you ain't getting this back...... I'm the President!!!

No Peeing in the Pool?

Apparently this pool is very lax on their rules!

Don't worry the Chlorine will take care of it!

Granny Airbag

Don't mess with old people!

This granny will kick your butt!

He Should have Said Something

Sounds like something my Grand parents would do!!!

Beware the Butterfly - They're Evil

Butterflies have been named the most destructive of all natures creatures.

Just watch what a single Butterfly can do.

Beware of the Butterflies!

Farting in the Women's Toilet

This would be Awesome!

I would love to watch peoples reactions like this!

Nothing better then Toilet Humor!

CPR

I would love to do this to a bunch of new trainee's!

Hopefully they would be hot female 20 somethings!

My New Sign for my Lawn

I Need one of these for my yard!

Craigslist - To the Guy who crapped his pants

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me

in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.ST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry

jacket that you demanded that I hand over,

shortly after you pulled the knife on me and

my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also

asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across

this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment;

I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when

I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening

was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a

reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber

Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had

picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon

when pointed at your head ...isn't it?! I know it probably

wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from

with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was

even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave

your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That

prevented you from calling or running to your buddies

to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother,

or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I

explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then

I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of

four other people in the gas station -- on your credit

card. The guy with the big motor home took 150

gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie

Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet.

[That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into

the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the

curb ....after I broke the windshield and side window

and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from

your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the

line, although I only used the phone for a little over

a day now, so what's going on with that? Earlier, I

managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the

DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning

President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a

nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number

etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not

killing you ...but I feel this type of retribution is a

far more appropriate punishment for your threatened

crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some

of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can

only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect

upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've

chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you

might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

P.S.
Remember this motto ...An armed society makes for a more

civil society!

History and Beer

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement..

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.