So Funny, You may just Pee your pants!: July 2010

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Thursday, July 29, 2010

A dentist noticed that his next
patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to
tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building
in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes
walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the
gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during a
delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just picturing how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Tom's Scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said,
"I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle
wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and
the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled
gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom
must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went
on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors
performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece
together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to
hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now,"
she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the
hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover
completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and
tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the
word is sternum."

Monday, July 26, 2010

Job Application

resimay

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent b e to complicaited
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.

Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Michael Phelps first photo

Friday, July 23, 2010

FLORIDA-ALABAMA ANNUAL BELLY-BUTTON JEWELRY CONTEST

Florida

Alabama

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Ducks In Heaven

Three women die together in an accident

And go to heaven
When they get there, St. Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in heaven:

Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,

There are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,

And although they try their best to avoid them,

The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says,

'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to

Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,

The second woman steps accidentally on a duck

And along comes St. Peter,

Who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together

With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,

Not wanting to be chained

For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,

VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months

Without stepping on any ducks,

But

One day St.Peter comes up to her

With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,

'I wonder what I did to deserve being

Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,

'I don't know about you,

But I stepped on a
Duck.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

European Burnout vs. Iraqi Burnout

You Be the Judge, Which is better?!!

I wish that I could do either one!

Check out the Iraqi one in the next post.

Iraqi Burnout

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A Blonde Cop Joke

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports Car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A

FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?

THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS..............................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL TH E REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR
BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Ninja Nasty - Silent But Deadly!

I think I've known a few of these deadly killers in my time

Husband down!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The
husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in
their cart.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they
carry on shopping. A few aisles
further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing? ' asks the husband.
Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife..

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.

Heard on the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down!