Sunday, August 15, 2010

Education through Email - Thanks A Lot!


I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.


I no longer open a bathroom door
without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room
because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread
because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..
I have trouble shaking hands
with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip
because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse
for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS
to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO,
now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings
because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money,
but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul
because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, andSt. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I can’t have a drink in a bar
because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC
because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy
gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta
since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap
in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW
I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down
I no longer go to shopping malls
because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex
since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus
since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU
I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
I no longer drive my car
because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening
because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the wood spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from
Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.



PS:
I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

No comments:

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails