WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY

Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does.

So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims and to show support for all American women.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America !

Swearing

A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" said the seven year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four year old nodded his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell, and you say ass, okay?" The four year old agreed with enthusiasm. The mother walked into the kitchen and asked the seven year old what he wanted for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. The mother looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

The Collection

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago .

Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Barney Frank, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.

They are asking for a $10 Million ransom....Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon.'





In God We Trust
Obama and Congress
eh...not so much

How Men and Women View Themselves in the Mirror

This is sooooo TRUE!!!!

Love that Chair

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be hypnotized?

I'm sure that when these guys watch this video they wish they never knew.

I can just here them asking there significant other later that night, "Honey, why do I have a splinter in my butt?"

Gotta Pee

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were
very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten
over-enthusiastic with the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home
they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would
take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a
rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She
was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a
ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said, 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm
starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home
with no panties!!' 'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card

stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

Underwear Dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,

'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'.

Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied. 'It's not talcum powder; it's Miracle Grow.

Wedding Announcement

There is no love loss here in this wedding announcement, you can tell that the parents of the Doctor are really happy about this union!

A Picture from the Wedding........

Nobody knows what he sees in her!

Vanilla Pudding Robbery

The Vanilla Pudding Robbery

Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding...


Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:




'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'.

IRISH SAUSAGES

> *Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
> between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. *
>
> *Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' *
>
> *He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
>
> *Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!' *
>
> *Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' *
>
> *He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints *
> *of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. *
>
> *Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how
> much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' *
>
> *Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ' *
>
> *They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through
> my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' *
>
> *The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. *
>
> *They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. *
>
> *At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of
> this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!' *
>
> *Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't
> even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.' *

How to keep your mother-in-law from visiting

I have tried this method and it really works well on your medalling mother-in-law. They don't come back for a very long time!!!

Good Dog!!

Tick Warning

TICK
WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I
have even done it
myself a couple times unintentionally but this
one is real, and it's
important.

Please send this warning
to everyone on your e- mail list.

If someone comes to your
front door saying they are checking for ticks
due to the warm
weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance
around
with your arms up,

DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only
want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel
so stoopud.

Broken Springboard

They should give this guy a charity 10 just for pity sakes!!!

At least a standing ovation, although it would have been much more entertaining if he had flipped or something!!!

Women never play fair!!!

Pants and Panties:

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.

He said "Mike let me tell you something. On my wedding night in the honeymoon suite I sat your mother down, took off my pants and handed them to her. I told her to put them on".

She did and said "These are too big I can't wear them".

I replied "exactly, I wear the pants in this family and always will".

Ever since that night we haven't had any problems.

Hmmm, Mike thought, that might be a good thing to try.

On Mikes honeymoon night he took off his pants and handed them to Karen saying put these on.

She did and said "These are too large and they don't fit" Mike replied "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and always will".

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike and said "here you put on mine".

Mike said "I can't get into your panties"

Karen said "Exactly and if you don't change your attitude you never will"!!!

Voca people

There's nothing quite like the excitement of getting with your buddies and dressing up like giant Condoms to go sing on stage!!!

Now tell me wasn't your first thought that they looked like a freaking Giant Condom!!!

Golf Frog

A man takes the day off work and
Decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,

Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't
See anyone.

Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the
Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked.

He says to the frog,

'Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies,

'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?'

The man asks.

'Ribbit 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know
What to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the
Best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog,

'OK where to next?'
The frog replies,

'Ribbit Las Vegas .

' They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says,

'OK frog, now What?'

The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette...'

Upon approaching the roulette table,

The man asks,

'What do you think I should Bet?'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
Figures what the heck.
Boom!

Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the Hotel.

He sits the frog down and Says,

'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies,
'Ribbit KissMe.'
He figures why not,
Since after all the frog did for Him,

He deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

'And that,
your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room.

So help me God
Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'